I yam what I yam,..

Man oh man I have had some fun in my life, but nothing has bothered me as much as this next bit. You see with all the crap that is going on, and going around, I heard something that got me thinking. People seem to think there are two me's. They seem to think that the guy writing this is not the same guy that they see at festivals, house parties, and the like. Well here is the shocker. I am the same damn guy. I say this same stuff when I am out. I talk the same stuff face to face.

However it seems that people get more butt hurt when they read it. Maybe its because they actually have to use a thought process to soak up the words, and can't just discount me. Now instead of the words being ignored by social nuances and all the other distractions, they get it with even less of a filter on paper. Some people just can't handle that.

You see I am what you would call a colorful person. I am very forward. Why is this? Well the answer is simple. I know life is to short to dress it up and call it something its not. I know that we as the specks of matter we are in the great big universe are really nothing. We get what we take out of life, and the powers that be are not going to hand us shit. It is all over in the blink of that great cosmic eye, so why the hell should I waste my time on things that really do not matter at the end of the day.

What does matter to me is different then what appears to matter to most others. It is not because I am an immoral person, but rather I have discounted the morals I think are silly. The morals that I have kept I pump all that energy into. I also hat to break it to people, but tact is not a moral. Nor is it something that moves the cosmic balance. If you can say something with two words, why use twenty. If you can sum up your feelings with one word, why not. Fuck does nicely in most occasions if you can get the fuck over yourself and realize it is a word. It only has as much power as you want it too. It also does not have to be yelled every time you hear it.

The other things that I can do without in life are words with no meaning. If you say you envy something, why fucking envy it. If you got off your ass, and did something, maybe, just maybe you could have that something too. Nothing is free, you always pay for it some way. So stop looking for a hand out. You want something you go get it, you earn it, you take it, but you should never trust anything handed to you.

On the subject of the two me's, there are actually two levels of me. All in all they are the same guy, just at different speeds. There is the public speed, with all the people and stimulation that comes with that. Then there is the I am in my comfort zone safe at home with my wife me. One I rapid fire my thoughts and watch the room, the other I don't have much to say that hasn't been said. Either way I am the same guy.

The other thing that people seem to mistake that really gets to me about me is they think they know me based on what I do. If you are going to do that, make sure to measure what I have done. Sure I am medic, a healer. I am also a soldier. As a soldier I protect people. In this case I protect those in my charge. I do not seek violence out, but I can damn well dish it out when I need too. I am not a pacifist. That does not mean I am a browbeating cave monster that smashes the strange talking box. Just because I can do violence does not mean that is all I am capable of. Being aware of that remember I am not opposed to it either. I understand that sometimes it has a place, and some times it is just easier. How fast I go to my fist is determined by how tired I am of your crap.

While people seem to have this perception of me that I fly off the handle. Not the case. If I call you a juvenile fucktard windowlicking no talent ass clown, raised voice or not, there was genuine thought behind it. It means I really felt the need to express my opinion of you or an action in way that express's my true disdain. Some times telling people they are being stupid can be ignored if they have heard it enough. However if you scream at them that the best part of them ran down the crack of their mothers ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress, they get the damn point.

You want too get to know me, try getting to know yourself. Start being honest with yourself, and then be honest with the world. Listen to what I am saying and how I am saying it. I can yell. People do hear me. Its when you can't hear me that you need to worry. If I stop talking that means I have figured out that words are not going to resolve our situation. You want to get to know me, tell me why you want to get to know me. Then maybe we can get to know each other.

If I count you amongst my friends that is a good thing, but if you ever get as far as being family then you will see the real me. This is the guy that will not let you go out with spinach in your teeth. This is the guy that will tell you his heart, and you know its my truth. This is also the guy that will help you stay off the smacktard road and well away from stupid. This is the guy that will move heaven and earth if need be. This is not only the guy the could and would kill for you, but the guy that would live for you. Its so much easier to die for someone, that's giving up. Living for someone is some Diehard Bruce Willis shit, and those in the way best tremble.

To get to that point where I want to talk to you you need to understand what it means to be selflessly selfish. You need to know that you are only as important as you think you are. You need to understand that words only have as much power as you let them have. You need to understand that perception is reality. If YOUR perception sucks, so does your reality, and that is not my fault. You own that shit. I will help you put your load down, but you need to carry what you don't sit down.

Life is too short to spend it fucking playing games. Speak your heart or shut the fuck up. If you don't like what I have to say, you don't have to get closer to me. I am not turning my brain off to pacify anyone. If you take it all to heart good for you, if you let it slow you down, well that is your problem not mine. If you don't get this now, you probably never will. I yam what I yam and dats all dat I yam.