Sleepy time

With the impending election just around the corner, I find myself more and more baffled with the current situation. The climate seems to be us against them, and in this is in our own back yard none the less. Elections seem to be about one side or the other, and not really about issues. Red versus Blue, not who can improve what we have, or even bring this country back to the glory it once knew. Welfare is a band aid. Don't give me a hand out, I would rather a hand up. I would like to see a market that increases jobs, rather than supports slobs. Does this make me a republican? How about my views on abortion? I believe it was settled with Roe vs Wade, so why the fuck are we still talking about it?

You see we are in this battle right now, watching divisions being created in our country when all we are doing is picking the lesser of two evils. The worst part is that those lesser of two evil types are just mouth pieces for the same damn people. Look at campaign contributions, and you will see the share of names that is a mile fucking long. You want to see a real red versus blue, look it up on youtube, and watch the Halo setting. The first episode, dealing with why are we here, really sums it up. We are all tools, and being treated like children at bedtime. We are not really given a choice about going to bed, but rather given a choice of the blue teddy bear, or the red rabbit. Either way we are still going to bed.

I watch with morbid fascination as we get caught up in this circus side show battle of epic commercialism, and let the words of Tool dance through my head. Not to worried about learning to swim, but I am interested in seeing who is learning what else they feel they need to learn. More and more I see this commercial dependency and this complete lack of independence in our population. We can use an Iphone 5 more readily than we can figure out the nutritional value of the meal we just ate. We can quote lines from the Jersey Shore or any of its horrible spin offs, but ever so few can state the Amendments to the Constitution.

Yet we hear the screams for people that want to protect their rights to freedom of speech, and they fail to understand the valuable principles behind it. They would rather be free to be a complete tool bag uneducated ass munching grinder monkey, then actually understand what freedom of speech really is. It is about choice not expression. However most Zombies will never understand this. So they wait in line to see the next greatest product, and fail to see the correlation with a product release and the elections around the corner. They do not understand how or why our system works the way it does.

I can not wait until the day that the world is forced to unplug and they are lost with out someone telling them what to do via what is cool. When this does happen I am going t zombie rules, double tap being the primary. I am not saying this out of anger, I am saying this out of the inevitable. Choice is there, but we would rather enjoy the illusion. Right now there is no choice, in Red versus Blue, it is just a greater way to establish division amongst us, and make it easier for us to be controlled. Government is supposed to work for you moron, not us working for the government.

So really look at what you have and ask yourself the real question. Are you ready to go to bed? Or are you ready to wake the fuck up? Look to the congress, and senate seats up for bid. Do not waste your vote on inconsequential crap. How about you actually use that brain, and exercise those rights that me and my fellow service members fight to protect for you, and many of those I call brothers and sisters died for. It is about those before us, and those behind us. It is about establishing a system of government that actually offers choice. Do you even know what that means? Its not a buffet. Its freedom you couch surfing head in the sand idiots. Its about so much more than what is popular. It is really and truly about what is right.

GiveaPhuc transplants should be researched.

With the passing of a friend today, I have been left thinking about some heavy shit. You see not all the wounds that people get leave scars we can see. Somethings just sit in the back of your head, and good or bad they alter you forever. You can never be who you were before. You can never get that back. This is not some aging maturity bullshit either. It is not about recapturing your childhood, but rather being fundamentally changed on the deepest level of your psyche. Now this is tied into this thing we call PTSD. Its a disorder that I think is more dangerous than cancer.

I do not mean to talk about the things people see, like the health effects that PTSD can have. It is not about the insomnia, or the lowered immune system. I am thinking more about how little bits of you die, and the changes in your personality lead to death in many people that suffer from it. Its about losing one of the biggest factors in your health, that most people ignore. Hell losing the part of me that gives a fuck actually has benefits, but in most cases it can be very harmful.

When you see a dude drinking shots chased by beer, with a dip in, smoking a cigarette, you get a bit of the attitude. Its not that he doesn't know he might get cancer, its that he truly does not give two shits and a fuck about cancer. It is not a death wish by any means though. It truly is not giving a shit. Not really depression per-say, and a bit hard to explain to people. It is a part of the mind that just does not work anymore, and the sense of self preservation takes on a whole other meaning.

In this I wonder how many people die from PTSD each year. Over a decade of straight fighting. Most of this done on two fronts. Rotations in and out of theater that hold the frequency and resemble a place of expected normalcy. Add to this a lower standard in recruitment, the paradigm shift of social morality, and this unending pressure from the 98% of people that have never and will never put on a uniform. Then you look at how people expect veterans to act. You see them brush off behavior, or praise things that would otherwise have gotten somebody committed a few years ago.

Now you look at the guys that get bored, or overwhelmed, and suck start a pistol. Or maybe those guys that do what they are trained to do, and violently assist others over to their train of thought before they suck start a pistol; then think about would they have done that if their give a fuck had not been damaged? Would they take that next shot ten years ago? Or would their personal regard for all life and the survival instinct still intact, prevented them from going over that line into alcohol poisoning? Would that still healthy give a fuck have prevented them from driving in that state of mind years before?

Why is it that we can see crossing that line between hard and retard, and brush it off as just something that happens now? What part of our brain is so altered that we can not see these consequences as something of value? Maybe it is not depression but an understanding; an understanding that all things will eventually die, and being afraid of it is not going to change that fact. We all stop breathing at one point or another. All bleeding stops. All pain ends.

So in this how many Service Members die from the long term effects of PTSD? If it is by their own hand, is it still a manifestation of their illness? Is it possible to restore or heal a broken give a fuck, and if so is it even worth it? I would be interested in seeing how many vets have died over the years because of what could be considered self destructive behavior that in a time before would not have been engaged, or at least engaged with such eager abandonment? These are the thoughts running through my head today. You did this to yourself brother, but I am still gonna miss you Bat Man.

Brain drain pain turned to gain

I have so many things I want to write about today. It is a strange kind of writers block I have been having for the last few days. Too much to write about, and the inability to focus on one topic only. While this may seem like a good problem, you know like those pro athletes with their millions of problems, it is still frustrating. The main reason is that there is so much floating in my head that it is hard to stay focused. Compound that with jet lag, insomnia, and the feeling you get of uncertainty when the future presents so many paths, and you get the pool of A.D.D. infused delightful confusion that is my gray mushy little mind.

Politics offer so much with so little right now. We have this situation we can dissect like a frog in biology class that is just as lifeless. Your frog is not very different from your class mates frog. They probably have sat on the shelf for the same period of time. They stink. They all have an asshole. Oh and nothing you cut off of this little green beastie is going to taste good, no matter how much sugar you put on it. So really hard to pick on thing to talk about there.

On the personal front, its just hard to align my thoughts with people. Its just about the same as that little homage to Kermit we call modern politics. It seems that everyone has an opinion or suggestion as to how your life should be lived. However they don't seem happy with their life at all. People get so wrapped up in what they are told about how to be happy, that they can't let themselves be happy, and they have to bother other people about how to be happy so they can justify their own fucked up pursuit of what society has defined as happiness for them.

I am regressing socially to a more simplistic understanding of life. This is helping get all these little thoughts about big things in line. They are helping me think about the sound of one hand clapping at a pirate party with Captain Hook. I suppose it would go smack ow smack ow smack ow, or something along those lines. Seriously, what really does matter to us? Why does it matter? Does it matter because someone else says it matters, or because we as a people understand that it matters to us as individuals. Or perhaps our thoughts are nothing more than prepackaged hydrolyzed shots of high fucktard life syrup served in convenient individual serving sizes?

Right now my only bastion of sanity has been writing. Not writing here obviously, but rather writing on stories, and research. It is my form of escapism that oddly keeps me connected in a way that many people would not understand. I can step back and see those things that most people ignore from the outside. You see the details that change and shape the world around us with the subtle beauty of a smile.

Why do we feel the need to complicate everything. It is as if the greater levels of complexity somehow add value to what ever it is we are looking at. The truth though lies in a basic principal of a physical science. Let us look at engineering, and think about what makes a machine or structure perfect. It is not in what you can add, but what you can take away. How simple can you make a device and it still be able to preform its function? If its a toothbrush, why does it need to be a pizza slicing, fossil fuel detecting missile of social reconstruction with a love button accessory?

So in the end, I try to coalesce my thoughts and find that all I really need to do is smile. I am not worried about all the crap that people try to spoon feed me, because its my choice to open my mouth and chew. I am going to worry about my happiness, and try not to step on somebody on the way. I am tired of being fucked, but I would not mind getting laid. So in the mean time I will write, get my thoughts together, and stop being worried about things. Worry is nothing anyway and holds no value.

So if you are not offering me a hand, I will take a handie. If you are not offering me a beer, I will accept rum. If you are not offering me a smile, an exchange of Oh faces will be just fine. You can keep your grief, hate, and discontent. I have better things do than to get wrapped up in a game that people really can not win. Oh and one more thing,... Get over yourself.

here kitty kitty,,... yep you're a pussy

In our life we see things as we want to see them. We shape our own perceptions and in this we wrap our life up in nice little packages. We accept doses of how things should be in small easy to consume individually wrapped slices. We sample and never really take a bite out of things. Those that do openly feast on life are often times ridiculed and shunned for being so brazen. They enjoy life, when of course they should be emaciated and miserable. In this I am not talking about that spare tire that droops over your belt kind of self indulgence, but the kind that makes your heart happy. It is the one that you experience when your soul sores and you are truly free to actually enjoy the world around you.

We get tied down to tomorrows that never come, and we reflect on the past so much we forget to watch where our feet are now. When the only thing we really have is this moment right here. Nothing more exist than this moment, yet we are so worried about the next that we forget to enjoy it. Not that wild abandon of a self loathing addict, but the true joy that comes from understanding the miracle in every breath. There is joy out there, there is joy in all things, but we are the being douche canoes and refuse to see it.

When is the last time you declared to yourself that you loved anything? I am not talking about someone, but something? Some action, or movement? When is the last time you feel in love with a hot shower, or a warm bowl of oatmeal? When is the last time you actually enjoyed a moment without regard to the next moment? I am writing this tired as hell of course, so bare with me and try to follow my train of thought.

We are only as happy as we let ourselves be. Love is there if only we can love ourselves. There is not promise of tomorrow, and the past is set in stone. Regrets are the parking tickets for those sitting on the side of the road. Do something, allow yourself to enjoy it, and get into life and off your ass. You wonder what it would be like to sky dive? Well don't wonder, go out and try it. You wonder what a beer taste like at Oktoberfest in Nuremberg? Go, try it. You can make excuses, but you only got this life right now.

You could die at any time. When you are pushing up daises and waiting to meet your maker, are you going to be sitting there looking at some bucket list filled with regrets and self loathing? Or are you going to say you used up this life like a good pair of running shoes. That is how I look at my body and this shot in this world. It is something to be used up. It is a disposable plastic cup with your name on it. You can either go to the party, or you can let it get tossed in the recycle bin. Personally I am gonna go into the after life with a fucking hangover of epic portions, so high on life that my head will throb for at least part of the after life.

There are many stories to be had. There are many yet to be written. My breath is my pen, and the rest of the world is full of some self loathing Emo pussies, so I know the lines to good rides will be short. Think about this when you go to bed tonight, what would my eulogy say about me? What things have I wanted to do but let fear keep from me?

Some people go through life, others run through it and knock it on its ass while they do a touch down dance. So make things happen, enjoy the moment and stop being one of those self loathing assholes. Life is worth loving. Life is worth giving a chance. Breath my friend, just breath. Chase those dreams and feast on life. It will bring a smile to you when you are looking at death, and make that Grim Reaper nervous as shit when they come to collect you.

Life must be better in the shade,..

I think so many  people are wrapped up in their bullshit so tight that they are not getting enough air to breath. Left, right, it does not seem to matter. The left is calling Romney for his short comings and doing their best to cover up our Presidents faults. On the right they are bashing and preaching hate as they try to deflate the faults that Romney has put out there. It is just worse, followed by the gravely immoral popularity contest that our political system has degraded too.

Elephant, Donkey, it really does not matter much. Either way the only thing that come out of them is shit or piss. I really do not want either of them. Obamacare is based on a program that Romney created and started in his state, yet Romney wants to distance himself from it. Obama sees the voting reform as an issue when it is convenient for him. The whole screwing with soldiers rights to vote is pretty damn shady. Numbers are reported that favor the issue, and I know I have friends that will push what ever numbers suit their agenda as well.

Let me break down facts for you guys. Things that are important to me. This is the essence of my politics. I do not like shady shit. Do not lie to me to get me to swing your way. Do not bend, mold, or twist the truth. I do not want hand outs, or entitlements. I will take those things I have earned. My healthcare through the VA is not free. I paid for it with blood and more risk than many of you would ever take in your life, don't fuck with it. I have given up many of my rights to defend yours, this does not mean that I do not want to enjoy my free speech when I get out. Hell my silence is a method of free speech as well. Yes an AR15 is a modern musket. I do believe that everyone could and should own and use one, but there is no reason a civilian should own a crew serve belt fed people killer, though I think the intent of keeping the government from oppressing the people through military force means that you could own them.

Nothing shady there. Pretty damn clear, though this is not an area of agreement with most people I know. I will go further into the issues that people seem to have in the headlines now. First off I do not see how if a dude wants to suck off another dude is going to effect my ability to find a job? What you do behind closed doors is your damn business, not mine. You want to get your guts pulled out to get rid of the evidence of poor social choices, that's your business too. I really do not see how a shaky hand teenager getting an abortion is going to affect our GDP?  However that same young couple forced to face up to the consequences of their actions might have a negative impact on my life. Welfare, WIC, or other publicly funded programs that help pay for that child that they never should have made pull on my tax dollars. So do what you do, and I really do not care what your concept of God thinks about the morality of it. You want to force your morals on other people, look at your own shit first.

If I go to a foreign country and break their laws, I expect to go to jail. I do not expect to see cops from other countries enforcing their laws in my country though. I try to keep that in mind with pushing to bring my religious beliefs into law. I go to your church, I am expected to follow your view of morality, but you preach to me in the streets, I am gonna beat you down. Your life is yours, and before you start trying to live mine for me, try making sure its not because yours sucks. You do not get a re do through me asshole.

So be forward in your politics and stay the fuck out of my life. We will be okay in this. Sure the shade is where people want to be, but you can't grow the edible stuff with substance, without some sun and rain. Shady people are fungus. While people like mushrooms, I do not want to be one. I have no desire to live in the dark being shoveled full of shit. I really do not care who the fuck you want to blame for the problems, I want to hear your solutions though. Negative ad's just prove you're an asshole. Tearing others down is easy and just shows you have no ideas of your own. Get out of the shade, step into the sun, and be a fucking American. Not that arrogant fat tourist demanding to be treated like a god in whatever country they are a guest in, but that American that we were, and can be again. Be that straight shooting, doer, with a can do attitude that created a true super power and bailed out so many people in two world wars. Be that kind of American, and stop being a shady self centered douche.

XxX files

It is up to us as people to figureout what is important and what is not important. This is the the secret to this struggle we call life. We wrap ourselves in ideas and beliefs. We see the world for what we thing the world is, and we believe this to be the truth. We hear what others feel the world is and we belive this to be truth. We do this in spite of what we see in the world as the truth of reality. The beauty of this truth is that it does not need the belief of others to be true.

In this we try daily to convence ourselves that the world is something that it is not. It is something less than we want it, so we build it up in our mind and lend it it's importance. I am not refering to the world in this regard, but rather our fucked up view of it. In the scale of importance our view of the world is not what lends it strength. It has a strength that is self derived. It is like our strength should be.

Instead we steal our strength from the deeds and validation of others. People feel that they need to be in your life to be important, and cannot except that they are important enough to me to be in my life. It is their inportance that allows them into my not the need to be in my life that makes them important. There actually is a difference.

So you go out and worryabout the car you drive. You go out and worry about what consumer goods you can grab onto. You worry about all that crap that you think matters to people, and I will think about those things that actually have real lasting value. In this I find what really holds worth to me. In this I find the truth of this reality.

You can try your damnest to force me into your train of thought. I will not offer your perception of truth any weight. I have been out in this bright blue world, and seen its ugly, and its pretty face. It has both and they are those in the extreme. You see glory in the greatness. You see shame in the faliures of it. While the beauty is beholden in nature, the horrible convictions belong completly to man. It is our hearts, and the lies we hold onto in them that is the true horror of this world. Nothing more. Nothing less.

These are the things we choose to hold too. It is these that we grab onto and display. We wear our tradgedy as badges. We parade our failures to show our worth. We cling to those negative things like we are going to use them to buy sympathy in a swap meet of pity. We are the sad face of the world. We refuse to the see the truth of what could and should be.

When you see that you are your own person; that you are this person by choice, then and only then will you know the truth of the world. Then and only then will you be free of the craptastic garbage that is shoveled down your ope hole. The gultony of your ego unchecked is what prevents you from seeing and acknowledging the truth of this world. Not your truth, not my truth, but the truth. The truth is we are shallow selfish creatures. The truth is we are the the source of evil in this world. We are the greatest obstacle to the joy and peace fo the next life, being brought to bare here in this one.

So what bagage do you cling too? What load do you carry on tired shoulders? Why do you do this? I will tell you this; while you are engaged in a pissing contest, I am gonna go out and enjoy my life. The sun will be upon my face, the wind upon my bach; whilst you are there standing with piss soaked feet. Your truth is nothing, my truth is nothing. The truth is out there though. The truth is out there is you are willing to see it.

Word to your Mutha

We have this tendency to get wrapped up in words. While words have power, it is only the power that we give them. They are hollow without meaning or intent. They only have the value that we place upon them, and only hold the weight we give them. They are sounds and syllables. They are nothing more than smoke.

So what do we give to our words, and the words of others that place them above so many other things?  What part of self tells us that this should hurt? What part of us tells us to clamor for these audible markers of validation? Why do we need to hear the words of others, or have others hear our words? 

So many words have offered to change our life. We let them replace the change we need to make, and they are the chrysalis that transforms us. Good or bad we let them do the work for us, and bring these changes in our life. It is the power we give to words that shape our view of the world around us. We do as we are told; we listen to the drum beat droning of language. In this we find meaning and purpose.

That is the sad reality of the world we live in. In this the truth can be found, that those words we value so much are nothing without the meaning we give them. It is the meaning that has the power. It is in understanding the value and view we give to post guttural utterances. Language is twisted to purpose, and instead of it serving us; we end up serving it. 

What words do you want to hear, what desires do you need to have confirmed. Saying I love you seem to have more value than actually being in love. We so desire to have people tell us the impact we have them, as if there is no worth in us until it is confirmed through verbal acknowledgement of our existence. Why can’t these actions be reward or confirmation enough? Why can’t we be happy without someone telling us it is okay or justified? Why can’t we just be happy with being happy?

Why do we allow the words of others to affect us with astonishing resolve? What value does the word fuck have? Why do we own words like lazy? Why do we own them, even If they are not tied directly to us? Why do we let our personal guilt and doubt manifest in the words of others? Why is it we allow this happen? 

In this thought I have decided through my own willful vindication, that I will personally no longer allow words to have more value than  actions. I will also no longer feel good or bad based on how somebody else chooses to react to my words. I am no longer your guilty conscience or the feeder of your self importance. If you don't like it, fuck you. Put what ever value you want on that.