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Monday, May 30, 2011

You will get plenty of time to sleep when you are dead.

You know sometimes it is hard to talk about things with people, other times it is so easy you over share. This is part of the human condition for the most part. We can work on this and get better about it and not turn out to be a skirt grabbing pussy. Yes guys you can talk about your feelings and still hold you man card. I am not saying grab some Kleenex, the Notebook, and spend the evening with your buds pouring out your heart. I am saying though you can do things your own way.

I am typically pretty good about venting my issues. Sometimes though I bottle them up, and try to bury them deep down inside. Sometimes, in the moment you feel that is the best idea. Well I am gonna tell you now that writing this shit at 3am is proof enough that, that shit don't work. However I will pass that price without to much suffering.

I repressed my own issues and got the fuck over them for the most part so that someone I love could have a good time. Yeah I am noble fucker huh. Not really. The motivation on that, is that she puts up with so much of my crap there was no reason for her to do it then, and no reason for her not to have a good time.

The worst part is when it came time to talk about it, I still have trouble doing it. These are the kind of emotions I am not very comfy with. I can deal with doubt, regret, and a whole slew of other none productive emotions, but irrational fear is about as familiar to me as menstruation. I am not sure how to attack something like that.

When you know you should not be feeling something, that it has no real purpose. However the back of you mind plants the seed, and your subconsciousness feeds that little fucker and all you can do it watch it grow. Then in dealing with the borderline powerless feeling coming with not being able to nip that fucker, how does one deal with doubting your feelings in the moment. Am I paranoid because of this or is this really a good time to paranoid kind of thing.

I know there are people out there that go their whole fucking lives dealing with this shit day in and day out. I am glad I don't. I am glad mine is triggered, and that if I find those triggers I can avoid being up a 3am with no purpose. I am glad that this is me because of things I have done, not because of what was done to me. I am glad that I can understand my chemistry and take responsibility for the issues, and not have them because of some genetic disposition.

So now that I have vent a bit, I am gonna try to go back to sleep. I am tired. I really am. It is still so dark, and peaceful. I also like sleep and I do not wan to wait until I am dead to rest. I have seen the dead, and while it looks peaceful, it does not look comfortable.

So on this Memorial day of Memorial days, I say to the honored dead, rest in peace. I hope that you found comfort before you died. We thank you for your sacrifice, and can only hope that others may understand why and value your service. To all my fallen brothers and sisters, enjoy your peace, you earned it. To so many others this is just an excuse for a three day weekend. I can't bring myself to party to hard on Memorial day, knowing that Donny, Mike, Josh, Chris, Yoder, and the countless others are not here to enjoy it, so I can be here to enjoy it.

So instead I am gonna try to not be a pussy. I am going to be happy I am not dead. I am gonna drive the fuck on. I am gonna try to sleep. Naw fuck that I am gonna sleep. Today I am gonna honor those that wrote the check. I will let the others think they know what they know. I am gonna let that shit go, but carry you with me my brothers.

And if I fail in the first mission at least I know those in the second are getting plenty of sleep.