This was the fifties approach to cancer and many other horrible things. If you didn't talk about them, in theory, they would not enter you life. As time went by science and sociology caught up with each other. Now we have walks dressed in pink, to not only talk about the dreaded "C" word, but also a breast. Wow we have come a long way indeed. There are so many things we can talk about, but this is a journey of course not a destination.
So in this continue social progression I thinks its important that we define the other toxic diseases in our life. Not all of these draining and debilitating conditions are limited to your body though, some are drains on your soul. Take a look at this article from Mark Morford of the SF Gate. The ten things I have learned help diagnose the social cancer.
Now the reason I am bringing this up is simple. In all of our lifes we are at risk of social cancer, yet we do not do anything under the guise of tolerance. We watch people do things that drain us, and we put up with it. Hell some people are even doing it with their children and not just their friends. We have grown so much in our fear of confrontation and under the guise of being PC, that we find it hard as a community to call people out on behaviors that are unacceptable.
If you do so you are accused of driving a rift into things, or just being a big meanie head. Then people, usually the ones that are enacting the behavior, start waving their hands and announcing how politically incorrect you are. The stamp their feet and cry out that you did them wrong because we should be tolerant of each other. I love when they say things why can't we all get along, when their actions not to long before where obviously subversive.
Now lets say some prick like me comes along and points it out, or cuts them out of their life. They make a big storm about how unfair it is, or repressive the behavior is. Now this is the part I do not get, the reactions of the masses. They try to "stay out of it". Thought they see the negative behavior, or the reaction to it, they stay out of it. Confrontation might take something from them, even if it was something they needed to lose, they do not want to lose anything thing though. So they stay out of it, and that fear of loss just justifies the negative behavior of others.
Let us break this down on the most simplistic level I can. Think of it like children. If a kid is being an ass hat to other children, would you allow it and just say that it is the ass hat of a child expressing themselves? Do you think that holding children accountable for their actions helpful for the community or harmful for it? Also if your children are playing with an unruly, spiteful, or unbalanced child, do you let them continue to play with them unfettered. What if they start taking on those traits of the "bad" child?
How much of what you tolerate in your own life would you not tolerate in the life of you children? How many of your friends would you be having a talk to your carpet crawler, if they were their friends. How much toxic behavior are you willing to tolerate in the name of being socially connected? Then ask yourself but tolerating that toxic behavior, with so many others, what damage are you responsibly in your community?
I certainly agree with not tolerating toxic behavior. I've unfriended my share on Facebook and stopped calling those people who are overly pessimistic (stealing my joy and optimism and hampering my ability to manifest), etc. However, I do think there is a method for expressing my need for rejection in a way that is uplifting and perhaps healing and encouraging to the other party (their bad behavior doesn't justify my own, right). Because of that belief, there are certain people that I've not quite figured out how to let them know I'm done with them simply because I don't want to hurt them or contribute to that negative energy they spew. Instead, I tolerate it for the time being until my inner divine gives me the inspiration and strength to let them go in a loving way.
ReplyDeleteHere is my issue: who am I to dictate how another adult 'should' or 'should not' behave? I say to others "Don't 'should' on me!"...because I don't want someone else to tell me how to behave...how can I justify telling someone else how to act? I'm just not comfortable with that concept. YES...I agree that it's up to us, as adults, to teach and guide children on socially acceptable behavior. But that's just it - they're CHILDREN. They depend on adults to show them the way. Once they're grown, how do we decide who gets to say what's okay for some but not for others? It's a slippery slope. Maybe folks choose to 'stay out of it' because the issue doesn't directly effect them, or because they feel like they are being judgemental, or because they want to avoid stirring the shit even more. Plus, everyone screws up now and again. If I ditched every single person who did something stupid or foolish or just plain WRONG - I would have to move to an island where I was the only human there; mainly because I am just as guilty of doing stupid foolish wrong stuff! Now, if I am offended by someone's actions to the point that I can no longer have that person in my life, then I choose to 'dismiss them from the kingdom' (a Leo phrase) quietly without the pomp and circumstance of annoucing to the world that I've cut someone out of my realm. But that's MY choice - NOT saying it's how EVERYONE should handle things. I don't think tolerance is necessarily a 'bad' thing. Some folks think being tolerant is just hating quietly. I disagree. I tolerate far right wingers and fundamentalists and Tea Baggers and radicals and facists and loads of others - but I don't hate them. Or even if I do, I still don't have the right to tell them how to behave or what to think or believe. They're probably just as busy tolerating me. If I refuse to tolerate someone's behavior (lying, cheating, crime, rudeness, stupidity), then I choose whether to walk away, or to calmly let them know that I've been offended...THEN walk away. But I have no right to either insist or even suggest that others must walk away, too. That's got to be THEIR choice. And if they choose NOT to walk away, then that's THEIR issue - not mine. I pick my battles. And I prefer that those battles be few and far between. I don't like to get my armor dirty. ;P Love, Artemis
ReplyDeleteVashti, sometimes you have to just do it because it is right for you.
ReplyDeleteArtemis you are absolutely right that you are not the parents of the "grown ups", however I strongly feel that people should be held accountable for their behavior. People do screw up, it happens. I am referring to those people that do so with malice in mind and selfish intention. This people prey on the community and continue to get away with it because we as a group do not hold them accountable.
Imagine how many social vampires you could have avoided, bad relationships, or out right spiritual theft prevention could have occurred if people simply spoke up and said something about it. Most people just put their head down when people hurt them, or do bad things to others, like eye contact will make it go away.
Instead it just makes it worse. If somebody does something bad to you, or the people you care about and you do nothing, do you have a hand in it when they do again to somebody else? In as simple a term as I can make it, if you step in shit, and do not pick it up or tell somebody its there, if they step in do you have some responsibility for their toes getting dirty?
Good points. I do agree that people should be held accountable for their behavior. And that especially goes for behavior committed with malice and bad intent. And I do understand warning someone of another's malice as a means to prevent others from being vicimized by the offender. My issue is - how do always know for certain if malice was involved. It can be VERY subjective. But it is worth noting that if malice is suspected, that person should be questioned and given the opportunity to either adequately defend themselves or hang by their own rope. Another point is, there have been folks that I have felt were abusers and psychic/emotional vampires that I choose to always keep at a distance, but others find these people to be wonderful and admire them. So, I guess it all boils down to everyone making personal choices and being able to back those choices up with sound reasoning. Oh, and I promise if I step in any shit, I'll give y ou a heads up! Artemis
ReplyDeleteOn that note you can let people know why you don't like hanging out with certain people, they can make their own choices. I do it all the time. If people feel bad to me, there is no reason I should have to hang out with them. Also I understand people are adults and they can hang with whomever they want to. Hopefully those I call friends respect me enough to understand my choices and not try to force me to accept their choices. Sometimes someone being a creep is enough reason for me not to want to share a table with them.
ReplyDeleteAgain, good points. It does help to KNOW why you've offended someone, or why someone has offended you. I recently had someone I thought was a good friend UNfriend me - without ANY explaination, or so much as a 'kiss my ass' - just because I'm moving into a place that is owned by someone they don't like. I have no idea what it has to do with me, but when they found out I was moving there, they unfriended me. I just shrugged and said, "Well, makes me sad. But it's their choice." It just wouldv'e been nice to know why.
ReplyDeleteI am of two minds about this. On one hand, I won't tolerate anyone telling me how I should live my life. On the other hand, I won't tolerate rampant ass hattery in my life either, from adult or child. I don't have a problem correcting behavior that I feel is inappropriate and if the behavior isn't corrected, I have even less problem leaving them in the dust.
ReplyDeleteI suppose I must bow to my own rampant hypocrisy