Blarg

Today is one of those days when my thoughts dance on the edge of my skull. So many things coming in, so few coming out. I am having issues focusing enough to completing my school work, and it is not because of writers block. It is actually the opposite. Its a log jam of thoughts and ideas bottle necking at my hands. I am trying to write down what I can and getting the clutter out of the way. Focus is actually making things more difficult because my thoughts are all running for a very narrow door way at the same time.

Right now I am dancing thoughts of the perceptions of others. I am trying to think like other people do. I am trying to get into the heads of those around me and in my life. I am trying to see what motivates a person to do the things they do. I am trying to see the incentive for some strange actions. I am trying to see how some people kid themselves into thinking they grasp how the world works. I am trying to understand how people kid themselves and either over or under rate themselves.

Other thoughts are of the hurtful things some people do to other people. I am nailing down the difference between killing someone and murdering someone. Some of these thoughts are dark and go into the realm of things that are worse then death and what makes them worse then death. Step by step thoughts go from isolation, embarrassment, torture, and the need to take the power from others.

I am looking at the good things about life and letting them bring little happy warm spots to my mind. I see love, joy, and look at the things that help cause those things and bring positive thought processes to life. I look at the surrender to bliss and all of its forms. Physical bliss, social bliss, mental bliss, emotional bliss, and so many other ways to feel good and exude good from yourself.

All of these things are contributing to the chaos in my mind. So many ideas moving in concert. Happy dark thoughts of manipulation and ecstasy. Friends hanging out and hanging people in the same room. Story ideas turn to songs and the music has no beat. The flapping wings drum in my head, but they are flightless birds. I am here, I can see myself, I am not lost, but I have no clue where I am.

Images of ego parade in the dark parts of my gray matter. I link thoughts to persons and paper based on their desire to spread their influence. I see the power struggle in every conversation, deed, action, nuance. I see the links of people and things. I see the issues and methods of myself and others. I see the concepts that people call morals and how they use them. I see the selfish behavior and the over inflated sense of self importance mixed in with the broken identity well self esteem so low it could only fall up.

So many things, so many sides. So many thoughts. Man I am gonna write a fucking book if I can get these things in order. Depending on who shapes up first, it might be something dark, bright, or something in between. I think I need a nap or a glass of chocolate milk. Man I miss kindergarten, anybody else ever feel the same way?