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Sunday, November 13, 2011

If you pass go, collect 200 dollars.

Monday comes early and as I write a few papers for school, I drift into thought. Before I lose that thought I will write it down and share it. I am looking at another deployment, and I know I will be going again in no more then thirteen months. Odd that I am not bothered by that at all. War sucks, sure, but that is not what bothers me that much. There are certain joys that held in actually doing my job. The not pretending and practicing the job, but actually doing it. It adds into that equation of purpose, and the things that help me identify who I am. Purpose is something that add serious meaning to my own life.

You see it is hard walking a line between civilian life and the military life. This is not a PTSD thing, so make no mistake in that. This is not an adjustment disorder, it is a cultural difference that I find insufferable. There is a switch that I can hit to shut down one part of my life moving into the other. That switch works better when moving from the sweat and lead to the tie and gas mileage life though. Trouble is the green machine takes more time to ramp up, so you turn it on early, and let it build or you don't have it up and running when you need it.

You have to think different. You have to see things with different eyes. If you don't you will carry back more then you should. You see people die at home, but death carries a different scent in military order of business. Seeing dead people is one thing, knowing that there are a lot of other people out there that would not mind seeing you as one of those dead people given the chance, is another thing all together. So the mindset of mistrust is beneficial. The mindset of enjoying small moments is beneficial. The truth carries more weight then people talking about how much you weigh.

You see the things that matter and you develop a lack of patience for games. Being that civilian life requires patience, and many who do not know the value of their own breath seem to really like playing games, the difference in mentality can be awkward. So its easier just not to deal with people. This is how it works in my head at least. So I distance myself from people with distractions and merriment. I know I have a need for connection, but the connection is hard to enjoy when you see the very things you have no patience for in most everyone you deal with.

There is a difference with being right and needing to be right. There is a difference in argument for insight and argument for ego. There are a lot of differences you do not see or want to see when you are part of the game. With the outside looking in you see those steps of the game, and there are those pieces that I find disgusting and once again lack the patience to deal with. You start looking at people that you normally like and enjoy their company and start second guessing their motives. You wonder if they are being nice to you because they want to, or because there is something in it for them.

I do not like doubting the people around me, so I limit the contact I have with them. It is not personal, its just my lack of patience. Some of it though I think I might like to keep. You see people I know seem real happy to do right by them and look to tell others how to do right by them. I think this is what drives my view on politics as well. I think people already know pretty well what is good, and what is bad. You starting pushing those concepts of what you feel is right on people and they tend to shut you out, push you away, rebel, or they lay down and drink the cool aid. So I like to trust my instinct on what is right more then trust somebody else telling what I need to do too do right by them,

Yeah it is a simple thought process but do not confuse it with anarchy. You see I know there will be people that do not listen to that voice inside them that tells them something is wrong. There are others out there that can't hear that voice, or its just broken. Those people need to know accountability. That is what law is, and how things should be enforced. You can see that better when you are thinking about the things that matter, and when those things that matter change. There are good and bad and things about both ways of thinking, I am just hoping people understand. I am ready though to go back where the thinking is easier. Not because one is better then the other, its just the way my mind is geared. When the time comes I will down shift and let things lay the way they are supposed to. I will pick up my dice and jump back in the game. Right now though I am happy to know I can deal with stepping away from the table for a bit. I just ask that you all understand that, and show the patience I don't have.

1 comment:

  1. Jesse, when you're ready, do it. Go help our brothers and sisters. I wish I could go with you :( I totally understand where you are coming from. If you don't, it will gnaw at your innards....