Gather round boys and girls and grab some carpet. I have a little tale to tell. I am hoping to offer some insight in this endeavor. I also offer a part of my life for scrutiny and careful observation. You see we all have relationships, they start out well. I do not know anybody that goes into a romantic relationship plotting the break up. They happen though. When they are over they are over for what ever reason and the only thing I can say on that is move the fuck on and grow the fuck up.
I hear horror stories of dead beat dads, crazy ex wives, and bitterness that spans the genetic differences of XX and XY. The first thing about that is X. If you break up with someone that is just what is, a break up. However for many that is just the beginning of grudge they carry until they die. This bothers me more then you can know. If it didn't work out, it didn't work out. Once again get over it.
You see when you dump, divorce, or break up with someone this is a sign that a relationship was not compatible. This does not mean you get to continue to dictate the terms of their life. You gave that up when you stopped sharing your bed, table, or other word for life, with them. Alimony is a farce in my opinion. On either side of the fence, male or female. You are not entitled to a lifestyle you have grown accustom too. You want them out of your life, so you don't get to keep that life. Its not how it should work.
Child support is another issue altogether. If you have a kid you will always be connected through that child, but you are not doing that child any favors by spreading your bitter influence into that other persons life. If you want them out of the child's life because they hurt you, well that sucks, but they are still the other half of the genetic contribution that brought that child into the world. While you failed as a couple, this does not mean you have to transfer that toxic behavior and fail as a parent. This also means you need to pay your share in raising that child, I understand that. Kids are not cheap. So pay your support, but if you pay your support you should also offer the other part of that support with love and guidance.
You have it both ways. If you don't like their parenting style, to fucking bad. They are still a part of that chemical mixture that created that life, and they have just as much right to influence that kid, for good or bad as you do. If they agree they don't want to share their influence though, no matter how shitty that is, you should not hold them fiscally responsible for that child. You take the money, you have to take their views as well. This does not mean you get to control those views, unless they are causing harm to that child.
What I mean by this is you as the ex have no say in who they date, who they live with, or what they eat in their home when they are visiting that other parent. My current wife has nothing to do with my ex wife, other then the fact she is not my ex. If the new person in their life is not harming the child then shut up. You should not hold that grudge when they want to be just as active in your child's life.
Children are not leverage. Using them as a tool to get back at an ex, regardless of why you broke up is just fucked up. Using child support, visitation or parenting decisions as a way of extending your influence into a life you wanted out of is just wrong and shows shitty parenting skills. Its childish and bullshit. You are not doing anything good for that child, ever. You are just teaching them how to do bad things and using a bad situation as an excuse.
So that relationship is over. That means that, its over. It does not mean you need to keep it going. Seek closure and be the adult. Grow the fuck up. How many ways you can ruin someones life should not be your focus, maybe focus on getting on with your life. The best revenge is living well after all. This applies to friendships as well.
A good rule is think about how your nastiness is talked about by your fiends and the friends of your ex. If its bad or refereed to as evil or cold hearted, then maybe you shouldn't do it. Move the fuck on. Stop being a kid in the middle of a temper tantrum and remember you are not together for a reason, and build that separation rather then plotting piety childish revenge. Even if they are being a douche that does not mean you should be the douche nozzle. Be the better person, and think about why you are not together rather then think about ways you can hang onto things and stay in their life.
I hear horror stories of dead beat dads, crazy ex wives, and bitterness that spans the genetic differences of XX and XY. The first thing about that is X. If you break up with someone that is just what is, a break up. However for many that is just the beginning of grudge they carry until they die. This bothers me more then you can know. If it didn't work out, it didn't work out. Once again get over it.
You see when you dump, divorce, or break up with someone this is a sign that a relationship was not compatible. This does not mean you get to continue to dictate the terms of their life. You gave that up when you stopped sharing your bed, table, or other word for life, with them. Alimony is a farce in my opinion. On either side of the fence, male or female. You are not entitled to a lifestyle you have grown accustom too. You want them out of your life, so you don't get to keep that life. Its not how it should work.
Child support is another issue altogether. If you have a kid you will always be connected through that child, but you are not doing that child any favors by spreading your bitter influence into that other persons life. If you want them out of the child's life because they hurt you, well that sucks, but they are still the other half of the genetic contribution that brought that child into the world. While you failed as a couple, this does not mean you have to transfer that toxic behavior and fail as a parent. This also means you need to pay your share in raising that child, I understand that. Kids are not cheap. So pay your support, but if you pay your support you should also offer the other part of that support with love and guidance.
You have it both ways. If you don't like their parenting style, to fucking bad. They are still a part of that chemical mixture that created that life, and they have just as much right to influence that kid, for good or bad as you do. If they agree they don't want to share their influence though, no matter how shitty that is, you should not hold them fiscally responsible for that child. You take the money, you have to take their views as well. This does not mean you get to control those views, unless they are causing harm to that child.
What I mean by this is you as the ex have no say in who they date, who they live with, or what they eat in their home when they are visiting that other parent. My current wife has nothing to do with my ex wife, other then the fact she is not my ex. If the new person in their life is not harming the child then shut up. You should not hold that grudge when they want to be just as active in your child's life.
Children are not leverage. Using them as a tool to get back at an ex, regardless of why you broke up is just fucked up. Using child support, visitation or parenting decisions as a way of extending your influence into a life you wanted out of is just wrong and shows shitty parenting skills. Its childish and bullshit. You are not doing anything good for that child, ever. You are just teaching them how to do bad things and using a bad situation as an excuse.
So that relationship is over. That means that, its over. It does not mean you need to keep it going. Seek closure and be the adult. Grow the fuck up. How many ways you can ruin someones life should not be your focus, maybe focus on getting on with your life. The best revenge is living well after all. This applies to friendships as well.
A good rule is think about how your nastiness is talked about by your fiends and the friends of your ex. If its bad or refereed to as evil or cold hearted, then maybe you shouldn't do it. Move the fuck on. Stop being a kid in the middle of a temper tantrum and remember you are not together for a reason, and build that separation rather then plotting piety childish revenge. Even if they are being a douche that does not mean you should be the douche nozzle. Be the better person, and think about why you are not together rather then think about ways you can hang onto things and stay in their life.
So in a situation where the dead beat dad is indeed Harmful physically as well as emotionally to their biological children and have therefore been restricted in visitation and or decision making because of said actions do you believe that he should still have to contribute to financial needs of the children? Just wondering what your thoughts on that are... Although I am not sure that the money is worth dealing with the crap that accompanies it. Blah!
ReplyDeleteLike I said I am down for people being personally responsible for their actions. If you have sex, this could result in a child. Children are not mistakes, they are a surprise. So in that if you are not the custodial parent you should pay your fair share in raising that kid. However paying child support is that, its child support. This does not give an ex the right to meddle in an ex's life beyond the care of their child. This also means you do not limit visitation or restrict visitation to terms you see fit. You want the support you need to let them be a parent too. If they don't pay then they should be punished, but they should also be allowed to be in their children's life with out the meddling of the other person.
ReplyDeleteDude the Father in this case is a dead beat dad. (That means he is not paying his child support like he is supposed to) and he has been deamed by a court of law as harmful physically and emotionally to his kids. The courts have restricted his visitation and dicision making rights because of it. Yes he is still required by law to pay child support. Why? Because he produced the sperm that made the kids and in our society that makes him partially responsible for their financial support, regardless. Does he have a right to see them? Not if he has been proven in a court of law to be harming them. This isn't a case of an ex being rediculous. This is a case of criminal behavior, neglect and child abuse. Our system has sense enough to know not to let a man see his kids when all he is gonna do is try to kill them so he does not have to pay child support. You hate your own kids and act like a douche you lose the right to see your kids but you still have to pay to take care of them. If you don't pay you child support, it's considered child neglect and you are gonna be hunted down by the state like the criminal you are and possibly go to jail which is where child abusers belong anyway.
ReplyDeleteThe father in this case above? The case above in the blog is my reflections on my life. I can assure that I am not a harmful influence on my daughter, nor do I want harm her in anyway. My ex however has decided that my relationship with my current wife upsets her. So she filed for child support saying I never paid a dime for the entire life of my daughter. The courts will of course favor her, so now I have not seen my daughter for over a year, I have a child support collection my credit history, so I can not finance any federally backed or approved loan, to say get a house, a car, or consolidate my debts. So please tell me what case you are referring too or think I was talking about?
ReplyDelete