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Thursday, April 26, 2012

My Will be done

Last Will and Testament

I, the undersigned, Jesse I. Walter
of Denver Colorado.
I hereby declare this to be my Will. I hereby revoke all previous wills or testamentary writings made by me. I nominate the the Governor of Colorado to be the Executor of my Estate. Should he/she be unwilling or unable to act as executor, I nominate the first person to report in with the best geocached item (to be determined by vote of all entries, and you can not vote for yourself.)
I direct that the executor of my estate shall be required by the Court or other competent authority to give security for proper performance of his/her duties. First let it be said that I would would like people to say share my last day on Earth with me. I do not cry if you cry, but I would be happier if you smiled. I would love nothing more than to be surrounded by friends and I would love those friends to become friends. I will encourage this behavior by requesting no less than three kegs of beer (variety chosen by the executor) to be available at my wake. These kegs will need to be emptied prior to my funeral, or all of my worldly possessions will be donated to charity. The wake will be potluck feast, with each person bringing a dish that they think I would enjoy. It is at this time you will be required to tell at least one person a story of how I made you smile. If you are overcome with grief because I am not their to be awesome with you physically, understand my awesomeness will linger around for generations, so to honor this you must maintain a positive attitude. This means at least for the wake you must honor my life long request to not be a whiny douchebag, or you will not be invited to the execution of the will or the funeral.
For the disposal of my remains, I would like the party to continue. This will be a formal occasion of course. This means mead and hard liquor will be the only drinks available for those that old enough. It is not encouraged to bring children to this event. There will be a few adult themes at this parting party. First I would like a stack of trees at least as high as my truck to be prepared for my pyre. I would like to be placed on top of the pyre in my military regalia sitting in a large wooden chair like the boss I was. The fire must be lit by as many females that will volunteer to do so dressed in the way I would have truly enjoyed watching. (So either naked, or in some sort of costume that at least bares your breast.) Once the fire is lit, feel free to dance and frolic around the fire if you are possession of a vagina and do not exceed the social standard of body mass to be naked in public. Gentlemen feel free to leave the funeral, being that gentlemen where probably never my friend to begin with. The rest of you asshole feel free to verbally encourage the women and drink on. The party must go until the fire burns out, or until all participants are passed out. I would hope that people could at least make it until the sunrise the next day.
I direct that my estate shall devolve as follows:
After all of the previous requirements have been met all of my worldly possessions will be given out according to a few simple criteria. If the above requirements are not met, all of my worldly possessions will be donated to the charity of the executors choosing. If you see something in the pile of items that is of interest to you claim it. If there is a contesting of ownership then all who wish to posses it will have to offer a story of meaning and value. Of course the story will have to be about me, and why this particular item is important to you. Applause will be measured by the executor and a victor will be allowed to claim their prize. In the event of a tie a contest of wits or physical prowess will be required. (I would recommend push ups, a timed run, or electronic bar top trivia challenge.) Each person will only be allowed one item, with additional items being allowed for each time you have given me head. Proof will be required or at least offered for the executor to determine validity. So while I am still alive and if you would really like to get more then one thing, this would be the perfect time to offer to blow me. The more you do, the more stuff you can get. Win win for us all.
After my special bequests I bequeath the residue of my Estate to:
Goodwill or some other thrift store should get the rest of the stuff not claimed. I won't need it anymore, so I really do not care much. My ashes can be sorted from the pyre and a bit can be given to whomever would like to take them to some strange or exotic place. I would like them to be geocached so people can continue to follow my adventure even in death. At least one person should take my ashes to a bathroom of a seedy bar in some third world country where they are doing a donkey show, or some other entertainment based equivalent. My name forever more will be spoken with a tone of merriment or mischief. These are my last wishes. Follow them or I will haunt your ass. Lets put the fun back in funeral.
In witness whereof I have signed this will in Denver Colorado on the 26th of April, 2012 in the presence of the undersigned witnesses who in my presence and in the presence of each other have signed this will as witnesses.

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