Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls gather around. I am going to give a heart felt look into my my own mind. Yes I am aggressive. I see something I like and I go after it will all of my being. I feel passion in all the things I do, or at least I try. My life has been full of moments of intensity. I would not change that at all. I think those moments of strong emotion burn memories into your soul. My soul is scarred. It is battered and well worn. There are things though that keep me from going off the deep end though, and prevent me from giving myself over to the beast like release. First is my family. Not my family of origin, but the family I have surrounded myself with. My village of choice if you would. Second is a code of honor. Rules and order implied on my personal choices in life.
So yes I have a narrow focus. If things are not good for my family they are not good. If things can not be done with honor, then they should not be done. A man can and should be measured by his word. It is the anchor that lets you give into emotion, but stay grounded in reality. It is my biggest motivation. I do what I feel is right by my country, my village, my family. I will sacrifice myself, or my own needs for those in those three groupings. It stops me from running over the edge.
Before I get into my issue here I will also define honor, since family was talked about in previous blogs. Many people confuse this as self esteem. It can drive self esteem but honor is much more then the self. It is an understanding of shared morality. It is the rules by which you can measure the worth of a person. It is doing the right thing regardless of what others think. It is keeping your word. It is not bringing shame to your family. Honor is the rules by which a community is held together. It is not something you trade like baseball cards, or bank. You either have it or you don't.
Now this brings me to my thoughts of the day. When your honor is questioned what do you do? I place value on the person doing the questioning first, and their value will figure in the amount of effort I wish to put into things. Those of lower regard piss me off more then others. Its a matter of pride, because who the fuck are they to question my honor when they don't have any themselves. It is also a more difficult battle to fight. Typically the best way to address things is with the truth. It is the sharpest of weapons. It speaks volumes for you, when you use the truth. If you can not use the truth then perhaps that person has a right to question your honor on that matter.
Right now though, I am dealing with an ass clown that uses lies to battle the truth. Trouble is this person is delusional and I think they believe their lies. It is even harder when the lies they use are crafted with a kernel of truth. So it makes it easy to support. I am not even sure why they decided to target me and mine. I am not sure what motivates a person to tear down somebody simply because they have what they want. Its akin to being in the desert and one person has water. The second person slaps the water out of the persons hand. Now neither have water. Rather then look for water of their own, or perhaps trade for the water, they would rather destroy it, and in the process destroy them both.
The warrior in my heart says track her down and split her from ass to mouth. When words are not going to prevent an assault then you eliminate the person on the other side of the assault and remove their ability to fight. How ever it is that same honor that she slanders that prevents me from doing that. I do not break the laws of my country for personal gain. It is my honor and the honor of my family that saves this woman. It is against the law to kill people for lies, or for being a conspiratorial bitch. Drama is not a death warrant. They get to live with themselves and that should be enough right?
Well its not.
Not to me anyway. I seethe everyday I know that person is out there spreading lies and weakness like an STD. I could go with the typical response form people, and put my head in the sand. If it does not affect me directly why should I be concerned after all? I could ignore issues and not claim one side or the other, because it would be too much work to engage in conflict. I could walk away. This is why so many people stand alone though. Everybody walks away and they let the problems grow until the overcome them. Then they find themselves fighting alone, because everybody else walked away. I love my family to much. So fuck it. Let this crazy bitch say what she will about me, but I will not walk away. I will not tolerate her existence. I will not tolerate her attacks on my friends and family.
In that I will hold my friends accountable too. If they decided not to make a choice I will make it for them. I will not attend events, parties, or any other social event that you invite these substandard people to. If that means you do not invite me, outstanding. At least you made a choice. You also made it easy for me to fill out holiday cards. If I see that person I will call them out every time I see them. Every person will know them for what they are. If people think I am crazy for it, well good for them. I would rather be crazy then a shiftless person with no family or honor. I would rather be alone then a coward. You don't have to meet my maker for me, and I would rather do that with who I am intact. I would rather do that and say I am proud that I did not put up with peoples shit because it was easy.