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Friday, July 22, 2011

I get it, no really I get it, not that often but I get it.

I understand that I am a walking contradiction. I think the reason for this is that I know the world is not drawn on absolutes. I understand that I am the center of my own universe, and people perceive that as arrogance. Yet I have spent my life doing all I can for others along the way. I am healer, and a warrior. I am a lover and a fighter. I am many things, and at the same time nothing. I understand that to me and my universe I am important. I also understand that in the cosmos I am a speck of matter on a large bit of balled matter spinning around a mass of burning matter that is not unique in the infinite void of the physical universe.

I give some time to the point of self absolution. I have turned a wrench for more hours with others then I have for myself. I ask nothing in return, and often do not receive praise very well. Though I find myself there often, I really have no desire to be the center of attention. I fear the spot light like a vampire fears the sun. I do know my resume though. I know what I have accomplished with my life. I am not a great self promoter though. I actually find myself mocking those that do. I will help all that I can, but do not ask for help from anyone else.

I have recently been very aware of the world around me, and have lost a trait that has helped me hang on the train. The train that is society. I have lost my tolerance. I have issues that I didn't have before. I see people do mean things to people and I have trouble ignoring them or putting my thoughts back in my head. I have my standards, and as my wife pointed out not many people can live up to them. In that I could go with the social norm and lower my standards or not hold others up to them. Or I can do my thing and go with quality instead of quantity.

In this I am making an effort to do something I have not done in a long time, and that is take care of myself. I have made other peoples issues my problem for a long time. I have shared issues with others, but then get spat on when I share mine with them. No longer. I am also trying to do what is right by me, and in doing so I find it easier to do right by others.

I can not tolerate spiteful people. I can not tolerate lazy people that work hard at taking theirs from the hands of others. I can not condone acts of malice even if they are directed at people I do not know.

Recently I had someone tell me that they are afraid to talk to me. They where afraid of how I would react. This was someone I care very deeply for. I understood what they where saying, but at the same time if you knew how I would react and where afraid of that reaction then you know there is a problem. Maybe that is a sign of compatibility? Maybe that is you telling yourself something that maybe you don't want to hear. I speak my mind. I speak my heart. With some that are not ready I bite my tongue. However I will say if you do not want to hear whats in my heart, maybe just maybe that is not what you want after all.

1 comment:

  1. Well said! Always be true to yourself!