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Saturday, January 28, 2012

expect the unexpected

Fuck expectations. Yep fuck em, and fuck em hard in the butt. You see we have expectations on things, relationships, employment, just about anything life throws at us, we attach expectations to it. Things can't simply be. We have to add so much to it that it is now about the expectation rather than the actual event, item, or thing we are there to experience. We place them on ourselves in back breaking piles. We hurl them at those around us like monkeys in the zoo. If this, then that. This is how it should be. This is who I should be with. If this happens then this must happen.

I joined the military and expected this noble order of warriors, but instead I saw the big green weenie. The greatest generation did a great job of hiding the grit, and reality of it. Hollywood let us know the bridge was to far, but with a close up and a grim facade we can make it. War was something that happened between gentlemen. There is nothing fucking gentle about it. It is war. The intention is to remove some other asshole of the burden that comes with the expectation of a continued existence. It is simply and primordially us versus them, and while the expectations are presented of an enemy that meets on the field with nobility seeking the glory of their cause, reality has a way of fucking that up. Instead we get ghost in the sand, remote triggers, iced mortar tubes and a life time of restless nights. Not the expectation, so once again left disappointed. That is the expectation, and that is reality. That reality is not happiness. That reality is duty.

The expectation of those in my profession is that we treat the injured. We treat those that need the care of hospital on your back. You carry everything you think you will need. You find that it rarely meets the expectation. You also have expectations of so many things in your head. You will treat these young men and women. You will save their life because you have this wonderful bag full of life saving shit. You will never have the exact thing you need in that bag though, that is the reality, not the expectation. The only thing you will have that you need is your knowledge, your hands, and comfort. Yep you are expected to not crack, no emotion other than humor. You are expected to be a rock to which the dying can anchor to. That is the expectation, and that is reality. That reality is not happiness. That reality is duty.

So many things hold so many expectations that we forget why we do them. I am a medic because I care for those that care for my freedom. They may not be the most noble lawful stupid people on the planet, but when they are bleeding they call my name, and I come. I treat them as best I can with no expectation. Them living or dying is not linked to my happiness. Being there for them is, and knowing I have done the best I can to keep them from the hands of the Valkyrie. I battle death, that is what is expected of me. I do not pretend to win all the time, I do not expect to lose all the time. My only expectation is that I will do battle with death. In that I find happiness. That is no expectations, and that is reality. That reality is happiness. That reality is duty.

I find that my standards are harder than what others put on me, but the difference is there is no expectation. You either meet your expectations or you do not. So there is less weight to my burden. I do not need to live up to the standards of others, why the hell should I? I am here in life to find my own happiness, not copy that happiness of another. What works for you, probably will not work for me. Just because its different does not mean it is bad. I can smile sometimes, just because. Why because I am okay with not being you, and I am okay with you not trying to be me. I do not need your words to tell me how to live my life. I have my own. I am not a pile of expectations. I am not a check list you can follow. I am me. Fuck you if you can't accept that. So fuck those expectations. I expect nothing anymore. I will do what I need to do, to be the best at what I do, and only I need to know what I am here to do. That is the expectation, and that is reality. That reality is happiness. That reality is beauty.

So you do not get to tell me what I need to do to be happy. You do not get tell me what makes me laugh. Just because you say that something is funny does not mean I find it so. If I laugh at something you should not feel obligated to mirror me. You do not get to tell me what is good. If something taste good to you, that does not mean automatically its my new favorite dish. Your relationship works for you, but it doesn't mean it has to work that way for me. I really do not care who watches me dance. I do not care who watches me cry. I am here to do what I need to do in this life and I do not need the weight of your expectations. I will not trouble you with mine. That is the expectation, and that is reality. That reality is happiness. That reality is beauty.

I am not a rock forever for the world to cling to, I am the earthquake when I need to be.
I am not the warmth in the middle of the cold night for you, I am a raging fire when I need to be.
I am not the gentle reassuring breeze you need everyday, I am the raging typhoon when I need to be.
I am not the soothing pool ready to take your trivial troubles away, I am the tidal wave when I need to be.

I am free from expectation. I am free.

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